A NEWSPAPER YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF WITH COMEDIANS YOU ALSO DON'T KNOW

Carly Lant, Dan Johnson, Emma Campbell, Grace Heller, Mason Lok, Neco Pacheaco, Olivia Mangione and Will Eames

ARTICLES AND LISTICLES

TECH NEWS

Elon Musk brings space probe back to earth after aliens call him ugly and annoying

CARTOONS

FILM REVIEW

JACKASS: THE MOVIE (2002)

There is something so beautiful about dudes throwing themselves into physical chaos to make their friends laugh, and then getting back up and doing it again. I’m so scared of literally everything, but Jackass: The Movie made me want to STOP living with a stick up my ass, and START living with an actual stick up my ass to make my friends laugh. It made me want to STOP being down in the dumps for myself, and START being catapulted down into a dumpster full of dog poop to make Steve-O happy. This piece of cinema made me want to START getting hit in the face with a STOP sign because it would make Chris Pontius smile. In the song “illicit affairs” by Taylor Swift, the last line is “and you know damn well, for you I would ruin myself a million little times.” Some might hear this lyric, and apply it to a lover who they would let break their heart over and over again if it meant they would stay. To me, I hear this line and think about how I would let my testicles get stung by a million bees if it made Johnny Knoxville laugh. I hope it would. And what is cinema if not hope? Long live the jackasses.

HOROSCOPES

ARIES

MAR 21 - APR 19

I’m getting good relationship vibes for you coming around the corner. This time let’s try not building up walls and acting like you don’t like someone just because liking someone is embarrassing.

TAURUS

APR 20 - MAY 20

With your Venus moving into Mars I know you might be feeling a bit impulsive this month. I’m telling you right now that you don’t “need” another piercing.

GEMINI

MAY 21 - JUN 20

You can’t just keep saying “New Year, New Me” without actually changing anything about yourself. Also it’s February, stop saying that regardless.

CANCER

JUN 21 - JUL 22

With the moon shifting position you are moving into a phase of productivity. You should give her friend back her shirt that you borrowed. It's been literally two months and she would like it back.

LEO

JUL 23 - AUG 22

Because of the stars, February might be a month of insecurity for you. Your boss doesn't hate you, they just don't use exclamation points.

VIRO

AUG 23 - SEPT 22

I am so proud of you for finishing that book. You really are better than the rest of us. Now why don't you make that dentist appointment you've been postponing for 1.5 years?

LIBRA

SEPT 23 - OCT 22

I have some bad news. February is not looking good for you on the romance front. Please remember that you are better than answering "so how's your hump day been so far?" texts.

SCORPIO

OCT 23 - NOV 21

No absolutely, adding a third hiking phoro to your dating profile is definitely going to be the thing that makes everyone fall in love with you.

SAGITTARIUS

NOV 22 - DEC 21

Lol, remember that New Year's resolution that you made a month ago to drink more water? I guess there's alwyas 2024

CAPRICORN

DEC 22 - JAN 19

Heres the thing. You can either start telling your friends the truth when they ask how you are, or you can just go on anti-depressants.

AQUARIUS

JAN 20 - FEB 18

Stop getting mad at people who don't know you are an aquarius. Litterally no one cares but you.

PICES

FEB 19 - MAR 20

Congratulations on finding another hobby! When was the last time you vaccumed under your bed?

DEPRESSED AND DISILLUSIONED

Advice From Your Token Single Friend

BY GRACE HELLER

Dear Grace,

A casual acquaintance of mine messaged me on Hinge. It seems only polite to reply - what is the best thing to say to keep things friendly and chill?

Sincerely,

Family Friend

Dear Family Friend,

DO NOT REPLY. There is absolutely no good way this ends. If you see someone you’re vaguely acquainted with on a dating app, keep scrolling. You may be thinking that “it’ll be fine,” and “it’s only polite to acknowledge people you know.” I’m here to tell you that is incorrect. One second you’re typing “haha fancy meeting you here” and the next, someone you don’t like is saying “lol we should totally kick it and vibe out sometime ;)”

Is that what you want dear reader? To be asked to hang out by someone who rides a razor scooter and has a SoundCloud called “soft boi beats” where they produce music that has been described (by them) as “if John Mayer and Tame Impala had a baby, but not in a gay way, and then together they murdered Ed Sheeran?” And then you’d have to explain to them that no you actually would not like to hang out because you have nothing in common and think you’d hate each other?

Also you’ve already met in real life so if you were interesting in dating them do they really think you’d still be on this f***ing app? Repulsive.

If that dreaded hypothetical conversation above takes place, you truly have no choice but to delete the app, change your name, and move states. But not to start that olive oil farm that you’ve always dreamed of - oh no, it would be much too easy to find you that way. Instead you’ll have to work on a dairy farm that always smells terrible and there’s a horse named Denise that hates you and makes sure to always poop right in front of you whenever she can. Is that what you want? I didn’t think so. It’s much easier to not acknowledge them in the first place. Just keep swiping. For the love of god don’t do it.